Do the Choices We Make Mark Destiny?

January 18, 2010

Do we choose our fate or end, or is our destiny lined out for us? My first response would be a knee jerk “No.� I know too many people who have suddenly found themselves in situations that they seemingly did not ask for. Hence you have the millions of sudden, tragic deaths or those born into difficult situations of war, poverty or disease.

Still, many religious and spiritual beliefs would disagree with me. Then, is it punishment, karma, wrong place-wrong time, victimization, acceptance of our own choices and those who have gone before us? Is it a bigger picture that I just can’t see? Too many times, my heart screams at the pain of the seemingly unjust ways we lose our loved ones. However, death is something we all will experience, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, atheist alike. The question for me is, “Do I do everything I possibly can to stay safe and healthy? Do my physical, emotional, spiritual decisions dictate my life expectancy? And, how important is it to elongate my life and is it for me, or is it for my family and friends?�

I hear many people say that it’s the quality of life and not the quantity that counts. I agree with that—and with that, there is a compromise I choose in my own life of the balance of health and safety with fun and sometimes adrenaline. Our medical and science communities have helped us live better, healthier and longer lives. According to the national vital statistics report, the average life expectancy in the U.S. is 77.7 years. Is there ever an instance of a life that is lived too long?

In speaking with Clara, a dear friend of mine who is 87, I learn that she believes that hers is a life lived too long. She is a very sharp-minded person, but her body is weak. She is not so weak to be in need of 24-hour care, but is weak enough to require help with the running of her household as well as doing errands and getting around. Clara lost her husband almost three years ago when he was age 93.

When we talk, Clara’s most common complaint is that she is bored all the time. Her eyes are too weak to read or to see the controls on the CD player. Her hips are too sore to walk too much and a simple trip to the doctor simply exhausts her. She now reports that she feels useless. Clara says that, while not depressed, she is ready to go, but jokingly adds that, “I’m just bored to death!�

While she laughed, I found myself completely tongue-tied. My first response is to encourage her that living is what she needs, but that is my own selfish nature. I love Clara; she’s been a dear friend for many years. However, in that love, I also see her dilemma. I cannot be there for her daily in the way that she was comfortable with her husband. Even in quiet moments, she had someone she could be close to or want to be away from. She had someone to worry over and with whom she could share moments.

This was the definition of quality of life she had come to enjoy. After her first real fall that shattered her pelvis at age 83, Clara’s quality of life slowed her down to a “slow crawl.� Prior to that, she was still extremely active in her community and her personal life.

My question moves on to those who are advanced in age and are being kept alive by artificial medical means. Is this a good practice? I can’t answer that question for the masses, as it is a deeply personal matter to each individual—but is it? I look at the rising costs of health care and see so many in need that are without.

Additionally, what about our current Medicaid issues? The cuts are already hurting so many and yet, more cuts seem to be on the way. Will the medical community be forced to choose even more who gets care and who doesn’t? In some ways, this is already happening. But scarier still, government officials with no real knowledge of the common person’s reality make blanket decisions that affect the masses. I go back to my original question: do we choose our fate?

In considering these points, it doesn’t seem so—especially today, as much of it has been given over to science. However, we can all remember thoughts and behaviors that have led us to where we are at a given moment. Is it possible to live such a completely aware life that you develop a pre-hindsight? How about the people that come back from strokes or comas? Many report making a choice. In the book, “My Stroke of Insight,� by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD, she suffered a major stroke that left her unable to speak and respond. However, she was fully aware. Taylor says that in the shutting down of the left brain activities—which, among other things, controls our speech—she became more aware of the motives or the place in which people around her worked from. She became empathic, having some activities or persons that fed her in a positive way, or took from her and left her feeling drained. Could it be that some situations are too much for people to come back to? Or could it be that we, knowingly or unknowingly, begin to choose our desire for life or death? Thinking of Clara, despite the annoyances and loneliness, she still has some will to live as she is continuing to go through the motions to take care of herself—thus not quitting on life. Many elderly pass quite quickly after losing their spouse. Can we die of a broken heart? Can we live longer when we have a zest and love for life?

It is widely understood that people with strong communities and spiritual lives live longer, healthier lives. So maybe we do determine our own life expectancy—to a point—but we definitely choose how enjoyable it is.

Patricia Fiegenschuh lives and works in the Taos County area. She has been a caregiver for 15 years, specializing in long-term care with elderly and special needs clients. She works with people in all stages of life who are in need of care, as well as with people of special ability, and is an advocate for the elderly and those who cannot advocate for themselves.